I'm just fed up. In fact, I'm sorry. Its not that I've done anything. Its more a lack of doing anything. Its also that in my family, when something bad happens to someone, we tell the person that we are "sorry". It might be more correct to say, "I empathize with your pain".
All that to say... I'm sorry. I've accepted a shallow version of following God for my life and I'm not reaping any benefits for it. Neither are you. I'm sorry to God that one of his own could look and act so uppity. I'm sorry to you that I don't love you like I could because I'm too wrapped up in myself. I'm sorry to all the people God put me on this earth to love whom I will never meet because I told God no. There are so many things in my life that keep me from God. None of them are a big enough excuse. My best reason? I just flat refuse. I see someone who needs help - no dice. Someone in pain? comfort them.
But here is the flip side - I'm a pastor. Its my JOB to help people experience Christ and live fulfilling Christian lives. And I suck at it. People have trouble discovering Christ in my church because I can't offer whatever gifts I have to work them towards love.
This is evidenced other ways as well...
- No young UM Clergy. Well, we are shrinking. WHY? Because young clergy are jumping ship and seeking God outside the UMC. Thank the heavens that Jesus is outside the UMC, but something in my wishes they'd stick around and help me fix this church (and by that I mean care for these people). Another part of me is jealous, I'm not gonna lie.
- Church members. Is it wrong to say I'm fed up with Christians? Sure, any post-modern under the age of 35 will at some point find our stereotypes of Christians to be a lot more negative than it should be. But I mean I'm fed up with the "Christians" that I know. I'm fed up because I can't seem to help them get over the "hump" of safety. They aren't engaged in life-changing ministry. They are shooting up every week with a form of entertainment that can't touch Guitar Hero (I should know, sometimes I wish I was playing video games instead of being at church). Going to church for compulsory reasons is like eating at that little burger joint around the bend from your house. You hate their burgers, but it makes you think of your Dad. I'm also fed up because they won't just do it. They won't leave the safety of their lives to experience Christ in a new way.
- Homeless and me. I need to be honest. Jesus scares me. He scares me because I don't like homeless people. Let me explain - it isn't because they are homeless. That has no bearing on my dislike for them. It always has to do with something else that goes along with being homeless. They smell funny, and I can't ignore that. They sometimes are stupid and tough to talk with. They are either insane or have the mind of a child and conversing with them is just unappealing. They are "less than" me and this stupid pious pity kicks in that won't let me look at them like normal human beings. Bottom line is I don't love the people God wants me to love.
Hence my frustration. I just am having a hard time loving people like Christ.