Dealing with my shortcomings.
Excitabat enim fluctus in simpulo.
Consider this my open disclosure to the world. I'm an excitable person. Where some speak in hushed tones with slight movement, I try to create a tempest in a tea pot. Why? Well, I'm coping, obviously.
Maybe its because I feel strongly about something. It certainly isn't because I want to hurt another person or oppress them. But apparently that happens sometimes anyway. And it shouldn't. I need to somehow control my excitability.
So I apologize. I'm sorry that tone of voice has a tendency to make people angry or cry.
I'm torn obviously - between expressing myself and respecting other people. I'm torn between showing some chutzpah and completely tucking my tail. Which will win? Another way of saying might be that I get defensive. But something in me just wants to claim I'm confrontational. What can be such a great tool elsewhere is also a horrid way to impose on other people. Can there be any good in turning people into victims? Is it possible to even avoid the unwilling altering of their reality when my reality is obviously off kilter?
But people respond in different ways. The lower levels involve distorting reality and avoiding the truth. Higher levels involve sublimination, altruism, suppression, anticipation, and humor.
I don't feel like my anger (if I can call it that?) is a distortion of the truth. Rather, I'd like to think its a healthy attempt to deal with stimuli. But its obviously not healthy or people wouldn't feel the need to respond with their own coping methods (crying).
I'll say this, I don't feel like I can control it, so I'd have to say that this the physiological response (increased heart rate, tension, raising of the voice, sharp tone, funny breathing) shows more of a lack of control than anything. Something in me feels threatened by some stimuli and boom... hurt feelings. Its childish, its immature, and I can't beat it down all the time. I will fail in this regard, sometimes.
There. I said it.
Just wanted to get that off my chest. No human copes effectively all the time. To be honest, none of us have the necessary defenses or applicated responses that will preserve our lives and adequately bring together our lives with the lives of those around us. We all need Christ for that. But when I do mess up, I'm sorry.